THE STORM CAME STRONGER THAN BEFORE
There are moments especially during the rainy season that when you waited for a heavy storm to pass and when you start to see the cloud clear and the sun come out; as soon as you step into the light you are welcomed with a rainstorm worse than the previous. That’s what happened to me. The moment I thought it was over, that was when the rain came in harder.
As the rain came in full force, I didn’t even run to shelter, I just stayed out and let the rain fall on me. I was too weak to move too beaten to fight. I had prayed and it was still persistent. I had fasted that I had sore throat and the side of my tummy started to ache and the tribulation never left. I stopped trying to pray or fight out the tribulation. If God allowed it, there was a reason and there was no sense to fight it.
At this point, I wished I had an option or an alternative. I wished I had someone other than my family to lean on or cry to. I wished a man had come to my dad at this period to tell him he had found an octopus at the back of his house that he would like to get married to. I would have gladly gone to the man. I’ll rather have sacrificed my life as someone’s vessel to lead to an increase to his lineal posterity, than subject myself to this persistent torture of stagnancy. I would gladly sacrifice my womb and live a miserable life. But! This man whom I would agree to had to be rich. Rich enough to subject my womb to such bearing. I can’t have suffered this much from Madonna then give myself up to a poor man, to do what? To finally use my hand to hang myself and not care about heaven or hell??? Naaaa sonnn… Not me. Now, I wouldn’t love this man I’ll be too forlorn to even care about my environment. Since I was useless to myself it will be my pleasure to be a source of use in any way to someone.
Unfortunately for me, I was not from that kind of family that one would prance into looking for what he did not lose and I am not that type of person, the type to accept defeat. But I just wished that in the midst of this much pain, I had an option but I had none.
I gave up on Christ but never stopped believing in Him, I always knew that His grace is sufficient for me. I stopped going to Church and I stopped praying because I was sick and tired of listening to inspirational words or words of encouragement even worse, misleading messages that someone is chasing me. I just wanted to lay before His presence, very aware of His presence and grace. I just want to be surrounded my His presence. I knew He was aware of my situation but if there was someone who needed Him or who He needed to get to before me, I was willing to wait because I know He will come to me in due time. It might not be my time but surely He will come.