Final year exams had almost begun and I was yet to find my courses all in one spot. There was only one place to turn to, and that was my Father who hath in heaven. Even with all the madness happening around me; the wind to the lighting even down to the storm, I still remained calm.

Have you ever being in a storm and still remained calm?! Even with everything that was happening with me at the moment, I still remained incredibly calm. It surprised me at some point that even my friends thought I was not taking the situation seriously.  Now I wasn’t calm because there was someone to help or the fact that I was a Christian or whatever, I was just calm.

There are times you are hit with the tides of life that even in the midst of a turbulence you remain calm. I was worried but I was calm. It scared me so much because I wanted to be worried and not calm …. I needed answers.

At this time, I had changed my playlist to only gospel songs. I knew every line, every word, every beat of every song produced. I was literally a walking gospel jukebox. I fasted every week back-to-back and our daily manner became my personal morning ritual. I prayed deep in the night while people slept. I cried so much I wondered if God actually heard his daughter’s wails. As I prayed it was like my situation went to worse. Like the more I prayed, the more the down pour. 

Was I being punished for a crime I committed without even knowing?!

Point & kill had now left me for dead, and I really didn’t know why. Now exams had started and I was still looking for my results at lecturers offices. I died several times in my heart as I heard 400 level course codes being called for students to enter and write their papers. At this time it was like God had finally abandoned me and left me out to dry. Why bother looking for the other courses?! Why bother pursuing a lost cause?! Tears filled my eyes and this time I let them flow freely down my cheeks because I was no longer strong. I was never going to graduate with this set. Why bother with anything anymore?! Let the ground just open and swallow me whole.

Every day as students dressed for their exams, I dressed to look for my missen results. Why has God allowed this shame befallen me? Where did I ever go wrong? What demon did the devil assign to my case and ordered to face my matter with such force? And why is God not doing anything to rectify this situation?

I prayed and cried to God that I couldn’t take this embarrassment anymore! Whatever he was preparing me for; I couldn’t do it because I was just too weak for this. I couldn’t handle this embarrassment of failure and ridicule?! So WHATEVER mission He was preparing or food on His table He was dressing specially for me, I wasn’t worth the stress. I don’t deserve it! Hell I didn’t want it!! Just let this cup pass me and let me be on my way out of this darned school.

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